Yours always, Quinn
by AnitaPolonsky
Summary: Letters to Beth. She never sends any of them.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Beth,

I promised you everything.

You were just a spot  
on a greyscale image  
that made no sense.  
But from the first day,  
you were a part of me.  
You deserved everything from me.

I'm so sorry if you ever think  
you were made  
out of a drunken mistake,  
out of my insecurities,  
out of his, too.  
It's not about the how,  
but the why.

Because you gave new meaning  
to my life,  
gave me the purpose I lost  
along the road.

I fought for you yet  
I lost you.

But I kept you close to my heart,  
all the while.  
All I want is for you  
to remember, I do love you.  
I promised and promises  
last forever.

Yours always, Quinn.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Beth,

sometimes I wonder  
how do I still remember  
the sound you made as you,  
for the first time in your life  
and mine too,  
breathed in.

And how, one second later,  
you breathed out  
and with that first breath came  
the most wonderful sound  
I have ever heard.

It meant everything, but  
most importantly,  
it meant that you were alive.

I could have died in that moment  
and I swear to god himself,  
I would have died being at  
the most joyful time of my life.

Yours always, Quinn.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Beth,

you know, some people say,  
sometimes you just have to walk away.

I hope you don't hate me  
when you find out.  
I hope you understand and see  
through my eyes and feel  
with my own heart.

I hope you see that  
I wish I hadn't.

Yours always, Quinn.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Beth,

I don't mind wasting the days away  
thinking about you.

I don't mind my stretch marks,  
they're a constant reminder that you_ are_.  
There.  
Somewhere.  
I like to call them Beth marks.

I don't mind the memories.  
I don't mind the pain they bring to me.  
I don't mind because it makes me feel  
alive, after all.

And alive it's something I haven't felt  
in a while.

The emptiness you left in my womb  
has grown, like a terminal disease,  
spreading all over my body.

My heart, barely beating, caged,  
is turning grey.

(My veins are fighting to get  
their blood back but  
to no avail).

My lungs, rotted, perforated by  
my own broken ribs.

(There's no blood, yet I still bleed).

My shaking hands, paler  
than the moon on a winter's night.

My dead eyes that still shine  
with unshed tears.

My bones, now stardust.

(I wish I was a star, so you'd look at me  
every single night and I  
could look after you,  
for always).

It's all corrupted.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.  
It's getting harder and harder to live.

But for you,  
I'll try.

Yours always, Quinn.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Beth,

I am tired.  
You've been wandering around  
in my dreams for the last few days.

(That's a lie, you've been there  
for months).

I've been waking up every other hour,  
as I would've done if you  
were still here, crying.  
Calling _me_.

(Hoping I'd reach out and sweep you  
up into my arms, let you sleep in my bed  
and maybe, sing you back to sleep).

But then I'm the one who wanders  
around the house, playing hide and seek  
with the ghost of someone  
that was never mine.

I wish you called _me_ mom.

Yours always, Quinn.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Beth,

I wanted to tell you about  
what sadness did to me.  
But I couldn't find the right words  
to put it in a way that  
wouldn't make you want to give up on life.

I wish I could protect you somehow  
from what's to come.  
But mostly, I wish I could be there,  
by your side,  
to pick you back up  
whenever you fell  
(or maybe lie down with you  
when you didn't feel like getting up yet)

Yours always, Quinn.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Beth,

I've been feeling sick for the past few days.  
I hope this doesn't happen to you too, but  
I always get incredibly sad when I'm ill.

It might be because I always felt the need for comfort, but  
no one has ever made me feel that way.

My mother was never there when I was doubled over the toilet,  
she neither held my hair nor stroked my back to soothe the retching.  
She was probably in the same position in her bedroom's bathroom, but  
for entirely different reasons.  
All the while, my father watched television.

The clinking of her stupid glass of wine and his scotch glass  
still make me feel sick.

So I hope you don't turn out like me, in that aspect at least,  
because it would kill me to not be the one to comfort you.

Yours always, Quinn.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Beth,

Yours is the only voice that makes me cry.  
I wonder how's that even possible when  
I've never heard you say a word.  
Yet your cry, it haunts me at night.

(Even as I lie awake, I imagine you sleeping next to me.  
I fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and your soft breathing.)

I wake up at 3 am, covered in cold sweat,  
heart racing, not able to see through the tears,  
hands trembling, reaching out for you.  
You're never there. But I can still hear your fading sobs.

It's a messed up bedtime routine.

(I wouldn't have it any other way.)

Yours always, Quinn.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Beth,

I feel as all I write to you should start with 'I wish' because that's all I do lately.  
I wish I could hold you in my arms again and have you grasp my finger into your tiny hand.  
I wish I could feel the pressure of your delicate body against my chest and  
I wish I could sense your steady heartbeat and study its patterns so my beat follows yours.  
I wish I could feel the soft breeze as you breathe against my cheek.  
I wish I could be there when you say your first word, even if you're just blabbering a nonsense.  
I wish I could be by your side the day you take your first steps, and  
I wish I could catch you when you stumble and fall.  
I wish I could be there for you whenever you experience all of those 'firsts'.  
I wish I could just be there whenever you need your mother.  
I wish I had the courage to be your mom.

Yours always, Quinn.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Beth,

I saw your ethereal face in the blue sky, I wanted to touch the clouds.  
I stretched my arms as far as I could, yet you seemed so distant.  
Somewhere else, ever so untouchable.

I wonder if all I'll ever be to you is nothing but that perpendicular line you once met.  
Located on the same plane, in the same three-dimensional space,  
yet we can never meet again.  
I can't help but wonder if you remember me as a dot,  
a line that crossed your life or if you don't remember me at all.  
I feel like I'm a simple parallel line to you, moving beside you but never able to make contact.

(Who knew geometry could be so sad?)

Yours always, Quinn.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Beth,

Sometimes I wish I could die, just so I could become a ghost.  
I'm not sure I believe in them still, but I'd act as your guardian angel,  
protecting and guiding you through life.  
At night, I'd sing you to sleep and I know you'd hear me  
because you're young and you're innocent, and you haven't lost what I have.  
Your belief, your faith, your hope. You're full of those things and that's  
what I love the most about you. You are life to me.  
And I can't wrap this up with pretty words, so I'll just say,  
I would die for you.

Yours always, Quinn.


End file.
